Lance and His Recurring Vanishing Pants Dream

I like this story and it's fun when kids chant along. "Lance! Lance! Where's your pants?"

LANCE AND HIS RECURRING VANISHING PANTS DREAM

One night, Lance had a horrible nightmare - the worst he'd ever had.
In his dream, he got ready for school as he always did. He dressed, had his regular breakfast - grape juice and gummi flakes. Then he kissed his mother good-bye, grabbed his lunch and walked to school. It all seemed very normal until he stepped into his classroom, and suddenly everyone turned to him, laughing and pointing. When he looked down, he realized what they were laughing at - He wasn't wearing any pants! That's when Lance woke up screaming.
Afterwards, he was thankful that it was just a dream, but he still felt uneasy. In school that day, he kept checking his pants. Obsessively, he replayed the dream in his mind. In it, he definitely remembered choosing a pair of pants, but he couldn't recall putting them on. Had he forgotten to? Or had they vanished for no reason?
That night, he dreamed again. It was the same nightmare, except even worse. This time, when Lance realized he wasn't wearing any pants, he stumbled out into the hall trying to run away. But everywhere he went, he saw people laughing and pointing. They all cried, "LANCE! LANCE! WHERE'S YOUR PANTS?" And again, Lance woke up screaming.
From then on, he had the same dream every night. He tried everything to stop it. He tried forcing himself to stay awake. He even tried wearing pants to bed. But nothing helped. He grew exhausted, frightened, paranoid. All day at school, he would twitch nervously while eyeing the other children. Every time someone laughed, Lance would flinch, clutching his jeans, holding them tightly against his body. And all the time, the words haunted him - "LANCE! LANCE! WHERE'S YOUR PANTS?"
Finally, his mother decided to take him to a psychiatrist. Luckily, she'd heard that there was one nearby that specialized in chronic vanishing-pants-dream disorder.
Lance felt embarrassed as he described his dream to the specialist. He kept expecting the doctor to suddenly point at him and break out laughing. But the doctor didn't laugh or point. He just listened, nodded and stroked his beard until Lance was finished. Then he said, "Lance, do you have any friends?"
"I don't really have time for that", replied Lance. "You see, I'm a ventriloquist. My dummy's name is also Lance!"
"I see", said the doctor. Then he wrote something down in his book. "Lance", he continued. "In your dream, your pants represent a security blanket, protecting you from your classmates. Your fear that your pants will disappear is a fear of being exposed to their ridicule. You see, Lance, your real problem is not your dream. It is that you are socially awkward and extremely insecure. You are terrified of other children, and as long as this fear persists, you will continue to dream of losing your pants. I would recommend getting involved in an extracurricular activity - perhaps crab soccer."
"What a wonderful idea!" exclaimed Lance's mother.
Lance didn't agree. He thought it was ridiculous. What does playing crab soccer have to do with his pants disappearing? And besides, he'd had a bad experience trying out for the crab soccer team in the past. Vehemently, Lance argued against the idea. He pleaded and even threw a tantrum, but his mother wouldn't listen. The following day, she signed him up for the crab soccer team against his will.
Lance arrived late to the first practice and, as he changed in the locker room, he desperately tried to think of how he could excuse himself. He mentally prepared a speech to the coach explaining his philosophy that sports should only be played by talented professionals. There was just no room in the world for amateurs. They just waste everyone's time.
Repeating these words to himself, Lance marched out onto the field. He approached the others, trying to stop himself from trembling. Suddenly, everyone grew silent. Then they all started laughing and pointing. Lance looked down.
He wasn't wearing any shorts! He had been so preoccupied that he had forgotten to put them on.
But as he stood there with no pants, surrounded by giggling children, he realized something surprising - It wasn't horrible at all. Actually, it was fun! Instead of screaming, Lance began laughing along with the others. When they chanted, "Lance! Lance! Where's your pants?" he chanted along. "I AM LANCE! I HAVE NO PANTS!" And as the coach chased him around the field, he chanted even louder.
It felt so good to be at school with no pants on! His dream wasn't a nightmare at all, but a fantastic premonition - A foreshadowing of the day that the whole crab soccer team would applaud him, and declare that he was the funniest boy ever!
Unfortunately, before practice was over, the coach kicked him off the team again. Lance was not discouraged. He hurried home, eager to fall asleep and have his nightmare. Instead, he dreamed of birch beer and gummi candy - of all sorts of wonderful things. Lance woke up dissatisfied.
After that, every night was the same. Lance would go to bed, excited, hoping to relive his moment of glory, and he'd wake up sad and disappointed.
Eventually, he gave up hoping. Whether he liked it or not, he was cured - His pants would never vanish again!

Lance and His Attempt to Control Others Through Hypnosis

I'm back! It's weird publishing stories to the void, so I took a break. Finally finished a children's novel I was working on. It'll hopefully come out in May. In the meantime, here's more Lance...

LANCE AND HIS ATTEMPT TO CONTROL OTHERS THROUGH HYPNOSIS

One night, Lance was lying awake in bed, feeling lonely, bored and inconsequential. Trying to drive away these dark thoughts, he switched on the nightlight and opened up an old issue of “DUMMY - The Magazine for Young Ventriloquists”. He came upon an advertisement that he’d never noticed before. It read, “LEARN HOW TO CONTROL OTHERS THROUGH HYPNOSIS!”
Immediately, Lance was intrigued. He’d always enjoyed controlling others, but had often found it difficult to make them cooperate. Maybe this was the answer! Maybe this would cheer him up! Pondering the possibilities, he grew tired, and finally, fell asleep.
The next morning, he borrowed money from his sister, Mallory. Then he mailed off for his very own hypnosis kit.
When it arrived two weeks later, Lance was very excited. For two weeks, he had dreamed of making others do his bidding. He’d never feel lonely again. He’d never be bored, never feel small. From now on, when he made jokes, everyone would laugh! When he entered a room, they’d all applaud!
Grinning, he ripped open the package. Inside, he found a step-by-step manual, and a watch on a long chain. Eagerly, he rushed to his mother and proudly announced that he wanted to practice hypnosis on her. Hearing this, she grew very serious and warned him that hypnotist’s lives were notoriously sad. Lance just laughed. Sad? No one that controls others could ever be sad! Then, before she could stop him, he dangled the watch in front of her, while reading aloud from the manual in a soft monotone.
In a matter of moments, Lance’s mother was in a deep hypnotic trance. As a test, he sent her to the store to stock up on gummi candy and his favorite - delicious, old-fashioned, red birch beer. Lance’s mother did exactly as she was told. Lance was thrilled.
Then he ran outside where Mallory was practicing cheerleading. As she flipped down the lawn, Lance hypnotized her. After that, he taught her a cheer - “LANCE! LANCE! LANCE!” She obeyed him, mechanically, completely in his power.
Lance was pleased, but he also realized that along with power comes responsibility. So he sat down to construct a detailed plan. He decided that his mother should quit her job so that she could spend more time buying him whatever he wanted. His sister, Mallory, he thought would make a fine slave. She would fetch him things, pour his birch beer, switch channels for him. Of course, she would also have to tear up all the IOU’s he had given her, and declare his debt paid.
For a few weeks, Lance was very happy with this arrangement. But then he became bored. He decided to put on a comedy show in the garage. The entire neighborhood would come and Lance would hypnotize them all to make them laugh at his jokes.
It was during this comedy show that Lance started having problems. He found it very hard to control so many hypnotized people. His neighbors began stumbling around the house breaking things, and whenever he told them to stop, they would just laugh as if he’d said something very funny. By the time he got rid of them all, the house was a wreck.
Soon, unpaid bills started to pile up. There was no money left because it had all been spent on toys. Utility companies began to disconnect their services. No more heat, electricity, phone. The car was repossessed, and Lance suddenly discovered that they were running out of food.
Realizing that he’d led his family into financial ruin, Lance decided to snap his mother out of her trance - then she’d fix everything. He pulled his mother aside and swung the watch before her. He told her that she was going to wake up and that she’d remember everything, but he stressed very firmly that she would not be mad, and even more important - that she would not punish him.
Nervously, Lance counted backwards and snapped his fingers. His mother stood before him blinking. She looked at the mess around her, then back at her son, and said, “Lance, you’ve ruined everything, but I still love you.” Then she walked away.
That night, as before, Lance couldn’t sleep. One thing in particular confused him, and no matter how long he pondered the possibilities, he still couldn’t figure it out - Did his mother really not punish him because she loved him, or was it because he had hypnotized her into not punishing him?
He realized that his mother was right - The life of a hypnotist was sad. Lance vowed to burn his manual and break his watch the next morning.

Lance and His Debilitating Gummi Candy Habit

This was the first Lance story that Belinda and Hova wouldn't let me read on the air. Not surprising.

LANCE AND HIS DEBILITATING GUMMI CANDY HABIT

There once was a boy named Lance, and more than anything, Lance loved gummi candy. He loved all flavors. He loved their taste. He loved to roll them around in his mouth, to feel their texture - mushy yet difficult to chew.
For Lance, gummi candy had ceased to be just candy. It was his life. It was all he thought about, all he dreamed about.
Unfortunately, gummi candy was not cheap, especially the larger, more exotic kinds, which Lance particularly enjoyed - like King Size Mango Gummi Worms, and Black Liquorice Gummi Elephants.
So, one day, Lance found himself broke. He'd been so irresponsible that he'd lost his paper route. His sister, Mallory, would no longer lend him money. He now realized that he was faced with a very important decision.
He knew that down the street there was a man who claimed to be a businessman, but who really did something horrible: He gave little boys money in exchange for their tongues. Lance's mother entirely disapproved of this. She said very often that it was no business that she would ever support.
Lance analyzed his situation. Carefully, he weighed the pros and cons. He didn't have enough money for gummi candy, but if he sold his tongue for gummi candy money, then he wouldn't be able to taste the candy once he'd bought it. Finally, Lance decided that having gummi candy was more important than tasting it.
Behind his mother's back, he went to the man down the street and sold his tongue. Then, he rushed off to the candy store with the money he'd earned. He barged right up to the counter, pointed to a big jar of gummi stars, and he grunted. This made the storekeeper immediately suspicious. She asked Lance to open his mouth. Reluctantly, he obeyed. When the storekeeper saw that Lance's tongue was gone, she shook her head disapprovingly. She said, "Little boys who sell their tongues for money should be ashamed of themselves!" Refusing to sell him anything, she kicked Lance out of the store. Then she called his mother to tell her what he'd done.
When Lance got home, his mother was very angry. She sent him to his room, saying that she would never again allow gummi candy in the house. Lance had proven that, unlike normal children, he could not consume it in moderation. He would therefore have to go without. Lance tried to defend himself, but, without his tongue, he couldn't utter a word.
Lance's grandfather, who was visiting, was silent also. Lance assumed this implied that the old man was disgusted with his grandson. Lance was humiliated.
Later on, when Lance was alone in his room, sulking, he heard a knock on his door. He grunted and his grandfather walked in. Lance stared down at the floor. He couldn't look his grandfather in the eye. He waited for the old man to start lecturing him on how to behave. But the lecture never came. Instead, his grandfather sat down beside him. He told Lance that he too had a problem with gummi candy when he was a boy - only, of course, it wasn't called gummi candy back then.
Hearing this, Lance could scarcely contain his surprise. Then his grandfather shrugged. He said that he was old, didn't need his tongue much anymore. He felt that Lance should have it. Then he reached into his mouth and pulled out his tongue, roots and all. He handed it to Lance. Sullenly, Lance accepted. He lifted the tongue and pushed it into his mouth, guiding it into place. He wiggled it around to get the feel of it - It was much larger than his old tongue.
Then his grandfather smiled and pulled something out of his coat pocket: It was a big, grape-flavored gummi fish. Lance took the fish and bit into it, tentatively. It tasted so good that Lance started to cry. And as he continued chewing, through his tears, he saw his grandfather sadly nodding.