Lance and the Adventures of his Restless Shadow

I wanted to make Lance's shadow a recurring character in these stories, but this is the only shadow story so far.

LANCE AND THE ADVENTURES OF HIS RESTLESS SHADOW

One summer day, after a big, delicious lunch, Lance decided to go to the grammar school playground.

Once he got there, however, he didn't feel much like playing. The monkey bars were too hot to climb on, and besides, they scared him: He had once fallen off. He liked to swing, but there was no one around to push him, and he was too tired to push himself. In fact, he was so tired that, after sliding down the sliding board and landing in the grass, he decided not to get up. He just laid there, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.

But Lance's shadow wasn't tired. Lance's shadow wanted to run around, to play some more. He felt like waking up Lance. He wanted to yell, "Come on! That's it? We just got here!" But he couldn't yell, because he was just a shadow. He couldn't do anything except what Lance did. That's what really frustrated him. Why did Lance have to be so boring? Why couldn't he be hyperactive like other children? Lance's shadow felt ripped off. He was missing out on all the fun - Here he was in a playground, with the sun shining, and he had to just lay there and do nothing! It was all Lance's fault! Lance that lazy boy! Lazy, selfish, cowardly boy!

Thinking about this, Lance's shadow squirmed with rage. He twisted and pulled and yanked. He threw a tantrum so big that the little black band connecting his feet to Lance's suddenly snapped. He fell back away from Lance, tumbled down the hill. When he stood up, he was dizzy, confused. He didn't even know what had happened. Then he saw Lance - Way over there! - and he realized he was free.

Right away, he started running about, playing. He bounced from one playground ride to another, making up for lost time. He didn't care how hot the monkey bars were, and, if he fell off, he climbed right back on.

Then he thought, "This is fun, but not fun enough!" He had to have more fun!

So he rushed up to a group of children. But when they saw him, they screamed and ran away. Lance's shadow decided that he liked this: He liked being scary. For a while, he stormed around, waving his arms, making people hide, making dogs bark. Then he started ringing doorbells, throwing rocks through people's windows. He darted in and out of traffic, blinding drivers, making them crash.

Lance's shadow wanted to do everything! Everything that Lance would never do! That wimp! He always stopped short of having fun. But not Lance's shadow - He stopped at nothing! He wanted to deface public property, trespass. He wanted to vandalize, terrorize, create disturbances, spread chaos!

And as it got later, the sun sunk lower, and Lance's shadow got bigger and bigger. He started kicking parked cars down the street like they were little tin cans. He pulled out a telephone pole and swung it around, trying to swat airplanes from the sky. It was so much fun to be big, and to be breaking things! He wanted people to live in fear of him. He wanted to be the biggest, scariest shadow ever!

Suddenly, he noticed something: People weren't running in terror anymore. He was bigger than ever, but no one seemed to notice him. Then he realized: He was fading. The sun was setting. It was getting dark.

Lance's shadow grew very serious. He dropped his telephone pole and began pacing, wondering about his fate - What happens to shadows at night? Where do they go? Are they still there even though no one can see them? Or do they die?

Scientifically, he realized that he shouldn't even exist independently from Lance. It doesn't make sense for a shadow to leave it's person. But he did, didn't he? Or was all this not really happening?

These deep thoughts made Lance's shadow feel very lonely. He walked and walked, and faded more with each step, and it grew darker and colder, until finally, Lance's shadow found himself back at the school playground. There was Lance, lazy as ever, still asleep at the bottom of the sliding board. At least with Lance, Lance's shadow was never lonely. With Lance, he never pondered over reality, existence and the impermanence of things. It was true that Lance disgusted him, but wasn't Lance also his best friend, his only friend?

Also, Lance's shadow had to admit that he was happy to see Lance. He had missed Lance. In fact, he had missed Lance so much that, seeing him now, Lance's shadow began to cry. He just couldn't help it. So, with tears streaming from him, he lay down on the grass and curled up beside Lance. That's when Lance woke up...

Lance jumped right up from the grass where he'd been sleeping. It was dark! That meant dinner, dessert, delicious old-fashioned red birch beer, and after that, his favorite TV show, "Dr. Softness, the Dentist". Excited, Lance ran home. There were so many things to look forward to!

Lance and the Identity Switching Game

Here one about Lance and his sister, Mallory. By the way, Lance and Mallory are named after my nephew and niece.

LANCE AND THE IDENTITY SWITCHING GAME

One summer day, Lance and his little sister, Mallory, were so bored that Lance had an idea: “You want to play a trick on Mom?” he asked Mallory. “Let’s switch places. I’ll act like you. You act like me. We’ll fool Mom. It’ll be fun!”

Mallory agreed. Then they went right to work, preparing their trick. They didn’t have much time before their mother returned from shopping, so they had to move fast. In Mallory’s room, Lance found a nice, flowery halter top, and some clip-on earrings. In Lance’s room, Mallory found Lance’s favorite crab soccer jersey. She cut off her long hair, braided it into two pigtails, and clipped them to the back of Lance’s head. Then, since Lance was a little taller than Mallory, he hunched over, while she got on her tiptoes.

When they were all finished, they could hardly believe their eyes. The transformation was amazing! And sure enough, their mother was easily fooled. She never suspected that Lance was really Mallory, and that Mallory was really Lance. Lance and Mallory were so amused by this that they decided to continue playing their trick.

Soon, they were fooling everyone; their friends, neighbors. Remaining in disguise was particularly hard for Lance. He could only drink birch beer when no one was watching, because everyone knew that Mallory hated old-fashioned, red birch beer.

Finally, after a few days, Lance decided that he’d had enough. He wanted to be Lance again. But when he told Mallory, she just laughed. She liked being Lance, and wasn’t going to give it up without a fight. This made Lance very angry.

He went right to his mother and told her the truth, but she didn’t believe him. She said, “Oh, Mallory! What an imagination!” When Lance tried to pull the pigtails off, he found that Mallory had super-glued them to his head. When he started throwing a tantrum, Mallory said, “Look, she’s throwing a tantrum. Mallory must be insane!

Their mother sadly agreed with her. The next day, she committed Lance to a mental institution, saying that she’d remove him only if he admitted that he was Mallory. Lance refused, so his mother kissed him on the forehead, and left him there.

Now, Lance was not at all happy in the mental institution. All the toys were old, dirty and broken. There was hardly any candy, no birch beer, and meals were always ruined because another inmate kept trying to touch Lance’s food. Soon, even Lance began to doubt his own sanity: Maybe he was really Mallory. Maybe he’d been Mallory all along.

Mallory, however, was enjoying herself. As Lance, she could stay up later, eat more, get really dirty. Best of all, she could pick on her girlfriends, and, instead of fighting back, they’d giggle and follow her around.

But soon, she came across an unforeseeable problem. Lance had checked out from the library, a book about ventriloquism. It was now overdue, and Mallory couldn’t find it. The library was charging 25 cents per day, and this began to severely cut into her savings. She looked everywhere. In all of Lance’s favorite places - under his bed, in the secret closet, in the washer/dryer - but she just couldn’t find the ventriloquism book.

Finally, Mallory became so desperate, that she decided to visit the mental institution. She found Lance tied to a bed, restrained because he kept attempting to pull off his pigtails. Mallory tried to be clever, to find out where the ventriloquism book was without communicating her dire situation. But Lance was too smart. Nothing could make him budge. He absolutely refused to divulge the whereabouts of the book.

Facing financial ruin, Mallory gave in. Reluctantly, she took back her pigtails. She untied Lance, and allowed herself to be tied down in his place. Then she admitted she was Mallory, and was allowed to go home.

As he left the hospital, Lance was very happy - Mallory was Mallory, and Lance was Lance, and, never again, not even on a boring day, would Lance be Mallory, or Mallory, Lance. For him, this ordeal was over.

Unfortunately, for Mallory it was not over. Her nightmare was just beginning. She arrived home to find that, while Lance was Mallory, he had stretched out all of her clothes. Nothing fit her now. This made Mallory so furious that she couldn’t sleep all night. She just lay there, and with tears in her eyes, she cursed Lance, and plotted how someday soon, she’d get her revenge...

Lance and his Pact with Satan

Satan makes his first appearance hanging out in the school playground. I like the other Satan stories better (esp. Lance and the Dark Prince of Comedy, which is much farther down in the stack).

LANCE AND HIS PACT WITH SATAN

There once was a boy named Lance. And one day, Lance decided that he wanted to become popular. He thought that if he were popular, he would get all sorts of treats. People would give him toys, money, and his favorite - delicious, old-fashioned, red birch beer. Furthermore, he decided that the best way to become really popular was to become a sports star. And the sport that he chose to become a star in was CRAB SOCCER!

Lance had always respected the sport. When he was little, he used to collect crab soccer playing cards, and, in the summer, when it was too hot to watch TV, he would often spend the entire day in his backyard, walking around like a crab.

Imagining himself a crab soccer star made Lance very excited. He didn't want to waste any time, so, the very next day, he joined his grammar school's crab soccer team. But, after school, while he was getting ready for his first practice, he realized that something was wrong: He didn't want to practice! He wanted to be a great crab soccer player, but he didn't want to waste all that time developing skills and learning the rules of the game. He decided that the only solution was to sell his soul in exchange for the ability to play crab soccer.

Before practice began, he went out to the school playground, because the devil liked to hang out by the monkey bars. Unfortunately, while Lance was selling his soul, little Annie Brickhouse was in detention. She’d been plagiarizing! She had copied the preamble of the Constitution, and tried to hand it in as her own revolutionary war history project! While she was writing, "I will not plagiarize." again and again on the blackboard, she saw Lance talking to the devil by the monkey bars. She decided that if she told on Lance, her history teacher might reduce her punishment. So, that's exactly what she did.

When the new principal heard that Lance had been dealing with Satan, he got very, very angry. The grammar school was having a serious problem with children selling their souls in exchange for athletic abilities. Feeling that it was time to take action, the principal decided to make an example of Lance.

Immediately, Lance was kicked off the crab soccer team. His mother was informed of his pact with Satan, and, the following day, during the morning announcements, Lance was publicly ridiculed over the school's loudspeaker system. As a result of these measures, children began to see that selling their souls doesn't pay. In fact, the devil's business declined so severely that he was forced to relocate to another grammar school. For her part in bringing about this victory, Annie Brickhouse was rewarded. Her detention was reduced to just a few days of community service helping install sewers in the new international trading zone that was opening downtown. Annie was very happy about this because she'd always enjoyed working with her hands.

… And in the end, Lance was happy too. After trying out for every sport in school, he was eventually allowed to join the debating team since it was the only organization that didn't require it's members to have a soul. Lance proved to be a very talented debater, and eventually, just as he'd hoped, he became very, very popular!

Lance and the New Ventriloquism Store

Here's the 2nd Lance story that I wrote. Reading it out loud, I've always been embarrassed at having to make car alarm noises at the end...

LANCE AND THE NEW VENTRILOQUISM STORE

On his way home from school one day, Lance passed by the new ventriloquism store that had opened in town. He looked into the window and saw all of the ventriloquist dummies smiling back at him. They looked so funny and so friendly that Lance decided, then and there, that, more than anything else, he wanted to be a ventriloquist. He imagined how people would line up and cheer for him. They would give him things, like money and his favorite - delicious, old-fashioned red birch beer. He ran straight home to tell his mother.

"I want to be a ventriloquist", he announced. "I've already picked out my dummy, and I even know what his name's going to be: Lance! Just like me!".

Lance's mother became very serious. Sadly, she described the life of a ventriloquist - the hardships, the sacrifices. She reminded Lance that all ventriloquists must have a "ventrilectomy" - an expensive operation where a doctor surgically removes your tongue, and then implants it into a dummy's mouth. "It's a very serious procedure.” she told Lance. She urged him to think carefully before choosing this career. But Lance wasn't listening. It was his destiny to be the best ventriloquist ever, and he wasn't going to let a little operation stop him.

So, the next day, Lance and his mother went back to the ventriloquism store and purchased the dummy. Lance brought it to the hospital, and, snuggling it under his arm, he went into surgery.

After the ventrilectomy, Lance woke up and tried to call to his mother, but he couldn't make a sound. Then Lance remembered that he didn't have a tongue anymore. His tongue was in the mouth of the wooden doll lying next to him. He picked up the dummy, and, through it, he spoke to him mother. He told her that the ventrilectomy seemed to have worked. He said that he felt fine, and couldn't wait to start performing.

Luckily, there was a big talent show coming up the next day. Lance's mother didn't want him to enter because the entrance fee was too high. But Lance convinced her that it was worth the money. He'd certainly earn it all back when he brought home 1st prize!

That night, Lance was so excited that he couldn't sleep. Instead, he planned his act. He decided that it would be very professional if he and his dummy wore matching, plaid leisure suits. Lance's mother purchased these outfits the next morning. Then she drove Lance to the talent show.

Unfortunately, Lance passed some boys on his way in to the building. They pointed at him and his dummy, and they laughed. Then they said that all ventriloquists were nerds! Hearing this, Lance was very surprised. He had always thought that ventriloquism was very cool. Could he have been wrong? By the time he was called up on stage, he had completely lost his confidence.

The audience applauded and waited for him to start. But Lance was so nervous that he forgot everything he'd planned. He couldn't think of any jokes. He couldn't even remember his dummy's name!

Then, in a mirror on the back wall, he saw himself, standing there with his dummy in matching, plaid leisure suits, and he thought, "Boy, I really do look silly! No one's gonna cheer for me. No one's gonna give me money or birch beer. I'm just gonna get laughed at!" Then he walked off the stage.

The next act featured the boys he had met at the door. They were all in a rock band. Watching them play, Lance regretted his recent decision. Why did he ever want to be a ventriloquist? It's much cooler to be in a rock band!

When Lance's mother heard about this, she became very angry. She scolded Lance, telling him that he'd have to stay a ventriloquist. She had spent so much money on the ventrilectomy, that she didn't have enough for a "reverse ventrilectomy" - the operation where a doctor removes your tongue from the dummy's mouth, and implants it back into yours.

Luckily, Lance's mother found out about an illegal, tongue surgeon. He was very old and clumsy, but his rates were affordable. So, very late one night, Lance and his mother crept out to the junkyard where the doctor worked.

Unfortunately, during surgery, the old doctor dropped Lance's tongue. Then, when he reached down to retrieve it, he accidentally picked up a car alarm, and implanted that into Lance's mouth instead of a tongue.

At the time, this seemed like a disaster to Lance and his mother. But everything turned out all right in the end. Lance became very popular as the singer of an experimental, alternative music band. While the rest of his group played weird instruments, Lance would open his mouth and go, "Whoop Whoop Whoop! Weyoo Weyoo Weyoo! Honk Honk Honk! Oowhoop! Oowhoop! Oowhoop! Beeeeeeep!

Lance and the Giant, Green, Fire Breathing Sea Serpent Costume

Hmmmm. I find myself with a blog, so I figured I'd put up stories that I wrote for the Greasy Kid Stuff radio show on WFMU. Greasy Kid Stuff isn't on WFMU anymore, but is still alive and well and being broadcast from Oregon. Maybe if I can break my long-standing dry spell and can come up with new story ideas, then Belinda, Hova and Georgia will let me back on the show. For now, here are some reruns...

LANCE AND THE GIANT, GREEN, FIRE-BREATHING SEA SERPENT COSTUME

There once was a boy named Lance. And Lance always liked to be noticed. Everything he did had to be big. Each Christmas was like a Broadway show with dancers and flashing lights. And all of his birthdays were like the 4th of July- marching bands, parades, fireworks.

One Halloween, he had an idea. He was getting too old for tiny little candy bars and gummi bears. He thought that if he had a really, really impressive costume - the biggest, scariest costume ever, then people would give him, not candy, but toys, money and, best of all, his favorite - delicious, old-fashioned, red birch beer.

So he begged his mother until she gave in, which she always did, eventually. Then she started building a costume for him - a huge, green, fire-breathing sea serpent outfit. When it was done, it filled up the whole garage. It just barely fit out of the garage door.

On Halloween, when Lance saw it, he was very happy. It was exactly what he wanted. His mother helped him get inside and showed him how to operate the fire-breathing mechanism. Lance was very excited! He couldn't wait to show everyone. So he kissed his mother good-bye, and rushed to catch up with his friends who were already trick-or-treating. Unfortunately, when they saw him, they were so scared that they all ran away. This annoyed Lance. He wanted them to clap for him, maybe ride on his back. "Their loss!" he thought. Then, he decided to go trick-or-treating alone.

But everything just went wrong. Every time he rang someone's doorbell, he'd accidentally break down the front door and blow fire out of his nose, destroying everything. Before he could even say, "Trick-or-treat!" everyone would run away screaming. He tried to chase after them, but things kept getting in his way, like billboards, telephone poles and fire engines. He pushed them all aside, getting very angry.

He wasn't having fun at all! This was a terrible Halloween. The worst one he'd ever had. No toys. No birch beer. Not even a tiny, bite-size candy bar. Finally, he gave up, went home, empty-handed. But when his mother saw him, she didn't even recognize him. She was so terrified that she forgot about his costume. She locked the door and wouldn't let him in the house. He wanted to show her who he really was, but he couldn't get out of his sea serpent outfit. The zipper was stuck! He tried to call to his mother, but all that came from his mouth were flames.

Lance became very sad. He wandered around the town, accidentally setting things on fire. He didn't know where to go. Soon, he got so tired that he just crawled into a lake to go to sleep.

And that's where he lives now. A lot of grownups in the town don't think he exists, but all of the kids know. That's why every Halloween, after trick-or-treating, they go to the lake, and leave treats for the boy, who had the biggest and best costume ever - Lance, the giant green fire-breathing sea serpent!