Lance and the Black Cat That Just Wouldn't Listen

This is one is for my cat, Tootsie. She's black and she generally listens...

LANCE AND THE BLACK CAT THAT JUST WOULDN'T LISTEN

One day, Lance was on his way to school. He was very late, but he didn't feel like hurrying. He knew what was going to happen when he got there - He'd enter the classroom, the teacher would stop teaching, and all the children would stare at him, giggling. Then he'd certainly get a lecture. More than anything else, Lance hated getting lectures.

As he entered the school parking lot, Lance desperately wished that he could just turn around and go back home. But he couldn't do that. Lance knew that it was wrong to skip school.

He was just about to head inside when he heard something - A friendly meow coming from the woods. Then a black cat rushed out, startling him. Before Lance could take another step, the cat was wrapped around his leg, purring. Lance was very amused, but he didn't have time to play. He pushed the animal away and entered the school building, squeezing through the front door to keep the cat from following him.

To Lance's surprise, the cat was still there when he left that afternoon. It seemed to be waiting for him. Then it followed him home. On the way, Lance decided to keep the black cat. This made him very excited. He'd never had a pet before.

Sadly, Lance's mother was allergic. She refused to let the cat in the house. Lance's sister, Mallory, didn't like the black cat either. As soon as she saw it, she called it "creepy", and it scratched her.

Lance realized that, if he wanted to keep the cat, he'd have to keep it a secret. He pulled a cardboard box out of the trash, dragged it into the woods and filled it with newspaper. Then he put the cat inside. Immediately, it curled up and fell asleep. Beside the cardboard box, Lance left a bowl of birch beer in case the cat woke up thirsty.

For a while, Lance was very happy with this arrangement. He visited the cat every day and played with it, talked to it as if it were another person. Lance realized that the cat wasn't only his pet, it was his best friend, his only friend.

Then something strange started happening. People in the neighborhood began to complain of robberies. Mrs. Brickhouse had lost a pearl necklace. Lance's mother claimed that money kept disappearing from her purse.

Lance was not really concerned until, one day, when he was visiting the black cat, he noticed a twenty dollar bill lying in the folds of the newspaper. Curious, he picked the cat up and looked underneath it: Strewn about the cardboard box were earrings, broaches, necklaces, bracelets and money - lots of money!

Lance couldn't believe his eyes. He gazed upon the cat as it rubbed up against him. It seemed so innocent! How could it possibly be a criminal? Pushing its face into the pile of stolen goods, Lance sternly said, "No!" Then, feeling guilty, he gave the black cat a big hug and went home. He hoped his admonishment would work.

But the next day, when Lance returned, he saw that his pet had been very busy. More cash, more valuables - and the cat just lying there, purring away. Growing worried, Lance began lecturing the cat, trying to reason with it.

"Why?" he asked the cat. "Why do you steal?"

"Because money is soft to lie on, and jewelry is nice to lick", the cat replied calmly. Then it went back to purring.

Lance decided that there was only one thing to do - sneak into every house in the neighborhood, and give back what the black cat had stolen. With his mind made up, Lance filled his pockets with valuables. Then he went off to do his duty.

Unfortunately, little Annie Brickhouse spotted Lance that night, crawling though her living room, clutching her mother's expensive pearl necklace. Of course, she told everyone; her parents, Lance's mother, the police. Soon, they were all convinced that Lance was the thief they had been searching for.

Lance tried to defend himself, insisting that the real thief was the black cat he had found. No one believed a word of it, not even Lance's mother. Deciding to teach her son a lesson, she sent Lance away to reform school.

Lance was miserable! To him, reform school was the saddest, dullest place imaginable. No TV! No birch beer! Just bread, water and big empty rooms with nothing but blackboards to write on. And all day long, Lance was forced to write, "STEALING IS BAD! STEALING IS BAD!"

Eventually, Lance was allowed to leave. He couldn't wait to get home. He felt so lonely. He even looked forward to going to school again. Anything, anything but reform school! But as soon as he entered his neighborhood, he realized that his ordeal wasn't over. No one would talk to him. No one would even look at him. To them, he was nothing but a thief, and that's all he'd ever be!

Depressed, Lance arrived home. He was just about to go inside to hide in his room, when he heard a familiar sound - The black cat meowing! Lance looked up, saw it staring at him from the woods. Lance couldn't help smiling. After all, the cat was his best friend, and it seemed very happy to see him. It meowed again, beckoning Lance into the woods. Lance followed.

The cat led him to its cardboard box, and jumped in while Lance stood there, gaping. The box was overflowing with money and jewelry - more than Lance had ever seen! Stunned, Lance muttered, "Stealing is bad. Stealing is bad!" But the black cat just wouldn't listen! Sprawled out shamelessly, completely content, it kept purring.

Lance felt so weary, so confused. Unable to stop himself, he sunk to the ground, then crawled into the box beside his pet. He realized that, once again, he'd have to try and return everything. It would be difficult and certainly wouldn't help his reputation, but Lance knew that it was the only thing to do.

Right now, though, Lance didn't have the energy. Stretching out, he decided that the black cat was right. Money was incredibly soft to lie on! Then, Lance opened his mouth for a huge yawn and the tip of a necklace fell in. It tasted cold, slightly sweet.

For once, Lance felt truly peaceful. The sound of purring filled his ears. He even wondered if it was coming from him. Lying there, Lance became more and more drowsy, until finally, sucking on pearls, snuggled up in a cardboard box full of money, beside a thieving black cat, Lance closed his tired eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Lance and the Big Telekinesis Show

When I was a kid, I was a magician - The Amazing Jayce (my middle name). I loved magic, but I hated performing in front of people. So, this story is about magician performance anxiety.

LANCE AND THE BIG TELEKINESIS SHOW

One day, during lunch period, Annie Brickhouse demanded that Lance move to another table. She claimed that she didn’t want to sit near him, because he was boring.

Lance was stunned. All day long, he couldn’t get the word out of his head. Boring? Am I really boring?

Thinking it over, Lance realized that he probably was! This revelation made Lance very angry, and so he decided that there was only one thing to do - Develop telekinetic powers!

Telekinesis had always been Lance’s favorite paranormal phenomenon, but he’d never considered dabbling in it, until now. He imagined how nice it would be to be able to move things with his mind. People would line up to see him perform. They’d throw money at him! Birch beer! Gummi candy! He’d have everything he’d ever dreamed of. Then, he could use his power in horrible ways, to get even with Annie Brickhouse.

Later on, after dinner, Lance went right to his room. He found a marble, put it on his dresser. Then he sat on his bed and stared at it. Concentrating as hard as he could, he thought, “Move marble… Move!”

Slowly at first, the marble began to roll towards him. Then it picked up speed until, finally, it fell off the dresser and bounced on the floor. Lance was thrilled. He had telekinetic powers!

He decided that there was no time to lose. Tomorrow after school, he would give a performance in the garage. The whole town would come and be mesmerized by Lance’s special talent. No one would ever call him boring again!

Instead of sleeping that night, Lance drew up fliers: “BIG TELEKINESIS SHOW!!!” they said. “Come see the amazing Lance move objects with his mind!”

The following day, he posted them all over the grammar school. He bragged to his classmates about his incredible powers. With awe, he spoke of the human mind - how little we really know about it. Everyone, even Annie Brickhouse, seemed intrigued.

Lance was very excited! When school was over, he rushed home to get ready. But as he was setting up in the garage, his sister, Mallory, walked in and started pestering him, laughing. She didn’t believe in telekinesis. She wanted to know how Lance was going to cheat - Was he going to use invisible threads and wires?

“No!” Lance insisted. His powers were for real. But, hearing this, Mallory just rolled her eyes. Finally, to get rid of her, Lance put his marble on the table. He told her to step back because it could be dangerous. Then he concentrated hard and thought, “Move marble… Move!”

Nothing happened. Refusing to give up, Lance concentrated harder and harder until his head hurt. Still, the marble wouldn’t budge. Suddenly, Lance had a thought - A horrible thought: What if he had telekinetic powers, but he couldn’t use them in front of other people! Lance had never heard of such a case, but the human mind was so remarkable, it was surely possible, wasn’t it?

Lance realized that he didn’t have time to ponder this. Panicking, he found some wire and string, and clumsily taped them to his props, while Mallory helped him, snickering.

As people began to arrive, Lance nervously eyed the wire and string. They weren’t really invisible. In fact, no one could miss them! And the scotch tape was pretty obvious, too!

With dread, Lance watched the garage fill up. He began the show by halfheartedly mumbling, “Move marble … move.” Then he gave the string a tug, and the marble began to roll.

Before it got far, Annie Brickhouse stood up and yelled, “Look, there’s a string! It’s so obvious!” Someone else cried out, “LANCE IS A FAKE!” Then everyone started laughing and booing. Even Mallory joined in.

Lance wanted to defend himself, but instead, he ran to his room, crying, and locked the door behind him. Now, he wasn’t just boring, he was a fraud! A liar!

“But I’m not a liar!” he insisted. “I’m not boring! I do have telekinetic powers!” Defiantly, he turned to his dresser and thought, “Move lamp... Move!” And suddenly, his lamp began shaking. Then Lance used his powers on his toys, his clothes, books. Soon everything was floating above him, swaying and gliding exactly as he wished. Lying in bed, he watched sniffling. It looked so beautiful! What a shame that no one but Lance would ever be able to see it!

Lance and His Recurring Vanishing Pants Dream

I like this story and it's fun when kids chant along. "Lance! Lance! Where's your pants?"

LANCE AND HIS RECURRING VANISHING PANTS DREAM

One night, Lance had a horrible nightmare - the worst he'd ever had.
In his dream, he got ready for school as he always did. He dressed, had his regular breakfast - grape juice and gummi flakes. Then he kissed his mother good-bye, grabbed his lunch and walked to school. It all seemed very normal until he stepped into his classroom, and suddenly everyone turned to him, laughing and pointing. When he looked down, he realized what they were laughing at - He wasn't wearing any pants! That's when Lance woke up screaming.
Afterwards, he was thankful that it was just a dream, but he still felt uneasy. In school that day, he kept checking his pants. Obsessively, he replayed the dream in his mind. In it, he definitely remembered choosing a pair of pants, but he couldn't recall putting them on. Had he forgotten to? Or had they vanished for no reason?
That night, he dreamed again. It was the same nightmare, except even worse. This time, when Lance realized he wasn't wearing any pants, he stumbled out into the hall trying to run away. But everywhere he went, he saw people laughing and pointing. They all cried, "LANCE! LANCE! WHERE'S YOUR PANTS?" And again, Lance woke up screaming.
From then on, he had the same dream every night. He tried everything to stop it. He tried forcing himself to stay awake. He even tried wearing pants to bed. But nothing helped. He grew exhausted, frightened, paranoid. All day at school, he would twitch nervously while eyeing the other children. Every time someone laughed, Lance would flinch, clutching his jeans, holding them tightly against his body. And all the time, the words haunted him - "LANCE! LANCE! WHERE'S YOUR PANTS?"
Finally, his mother decided to take him to a psychiatrist. Luckily, she'd heard that there was one nearby that specialized in chronic vanishing-pants-dream disorder.
Lance felt embarrassed as he described his dream to the specialist. He kept expecting the doctor to suddenly point at him and break out laughing. But the doctor didn't laugh or point. He just listened, nodded and stroked his beard until Lance was finished. Then he said, "Lance, do you have any friends?"
"I don't really have time for that", replied Lance. "You see, I'm a ventriloquist. My dummy's name is also Lance!"
"I see", said the doctor. Then he wrote something down in his book. "Lance", he continued. "In your dream, your pants represent a security blanket, protecting you from your classmates. Your fear that your pants will disappear is a fear of being exposed to their ridicule. You see, Lance, your real problem is not your dream. It is that you are socially awkward and extremely insecure. You are terrified of other children, and as long as this fear persists, you will continue to dream of losing your pants. I would recommend getting involved in an extracurricular activity - perhaps crab soccer."
"What a wonderful idea!" exclaimed Lance's mother.
Lance didn't agree. He thought it was ridiculous. What does playing crab soccer have to do with his pants disappearing? And besides, he'd had a bad experience trying out for the crab soccer team in the past. Vehemently, Lance argued against the idea. He pleaded and even threw a tantrum, but his mother wouldn't listen. The following day, she signed him up for the crab soccer team against his will.
Lance arrived late to the first practice and, as he changed in the locker room, he desperately tried to think of how he could excuse himself. He mentally prepared a speech to the coach explaining his philosophy that sports should only be played by talented professionals. There was just no room in the world for amateurs. They just waste everyone's time.
Repeating these words to himself, Lance marched out onto the field. He approached the others, trying to stop himself from trembling. Suddenly, everyone grew silent. Then they all started laughing and pointing. Lance looked down.
He wasn't wearing any shorts! He had been so preoccupied that he had forgotten to put them on.
But as he stood there with no pants, surrounded by giggling children, he realized something surprising - It wasn't horrible at all. Actually, it was fun! Instead of screaming, Lance began laughing along with the others. When they chanted, "Lance! Lance! Where's your pants?" he chanted along. "I AM LANCE! I HAVE NO PANTS!" And as the coach chased him around the field, he chanted even louder.
It felt so good to be at school with no pants on! His dream wasn't a nightmare at all, but a fantastic premonition - A foreshadowing of the day that the whole crab soccer team would applaud him, and declare that he was the funniest boy ever!
Unfortunately, before practice was over, the coach kicked him off the team again. Lance was not discouraged. He hurried home, eager to fall asleep and have his nightmare. Instead, he dreamed of birch beer and gummi candy - of all sorts of wonderful things. Lance woke up dissatisfied.
After that, every night was the same. Lance would go to bed, excited, hoping to relive his moment of glory, and he'd wake up sad and disappointed.
Eventually, he gave up hoping. Whether he liked it or not, he was cured - His pants would never vanish again!

Lance and His Attempt to Control Others Through Hypnosis

I'm back! It's weird publishing stories to the void, so I took a break. Finally finished a children's novel I was working on. It'll hopefully come out in May. In the meantime, here's more Lance...

LANCE AND HIS ATTEMPT TO CONTROL OTHERS THROUGH HYPNOSIS

One night, Lance was lying awake in bed, feeling lonely, bored and inconsequential. Trying to drive away these dark thoughts, he switched on the nightlight and opened up an old issue of “DUMMY - The Magazine for Young Ventriloquists”. He came upon an advertisement that he’d never noticed before. It read, “LEARN HOW TO CONTROL OTHERS THROUGH HYPNOSIS!”
Immediately, Lance was intrigued. He’d always enjoyed controlling others, but had often found it difficult to make them cooperate. Maybe this was the answer! Maybe this would cheer him up! Pondering the possibilities, he grew tired, and finally, fell asleep.
The next morning, he borrowed money from his sister, Mallory. Then he mailed off for his very own hypnosis kit.
When it arrived two weeks later, Lance was very excited. For two weeks, he had dreamed of making others do his bidding. He’d never feel lonely again. He’d never be bored, never feel small. From now on, when he made jokes, everyone would laugh! When he entered a room, they’d all applaud!
Grinning, he ripped open the package. Inside, he found a step-by-step manual, and a watch on a long chain. Eagerly, he rushed to his mother and proudly announced that he wanted to practice hypnosis on her. Hearing this, she grew very serious and warned him that hypnotist’s lives were notoriously sad. Lance just laughed. Sad? No one that controls others could ever be sad! Then, before she could stop him, he dangled the watch in front of her, while reading aloud from the manual in a soft monotone.
In a matter of moments, Lance’s mother was in a deep hypnotic trance. As a test, he sent her to the store to stock up on gummi candy and his favorite - delicious, old-fashioned, red birch beer. Lance’s mother did exactly as she was told. Lance was thrilled.
Then he ran outside where Mallory was practicing cheerleading. As she flipped down the lawn, Lance hypnotized her. After that, he taught her a cheer - “LANCE! LANCE! LANCE!” She obeyed him, mechanically, completely in his power.
Lance was pleased, but he also realized that along with power comes responsibility. So he sat down to construct a detailed plan. He decided that his mother should quit her job so that she could spend more time buying him whatever he wanted. His sister, Mallory, he thought would make a fine slave. She would fetch him things, pour his birch beer, switch channels for him. Of course, she would also have to tear up all the IOU’s he had given her, and declare his debt paid.
For a few weeks, Lance was very happy with this arrangement. But then he became bored. He decided to put on a comedy show in the garage. The entire neighborhood would come and Lance would hypnotize them all to make them laugh at his jokes.
It was during this comedy show that Lance started having problems. He found it very hard to control so many hypnotized people. His neighbors began stumbling around the house breaking things, and whenever he told them to stop, they would just laugh as if he’d said something very funny. By the time he got rid of them all, the house was a wreck.
Soon, unpaid bills started to pile up. There was no money left because it had all been spent on toys. Utility companies began to disconnect their services. No more heat, electricity, phone. The car was repossessed, and Lance suddenly discovered that they were running out of food.
Realizing that he’d led his family into financial ruin, Lance decided to snap his mother out of her trance - then she’d fix everything. He pulled his mother aside and swung the watch before her. He told her that she was going to wake up and that she’d remember everything, but he stressed very firmly that she would not be mad, and even more important - that she would not punish him.
Nervously, Lance counted backwards and snapped his fingers. His mother stood before him blinking. She looked at the mess around her, then back at her son, and said, “Lance, you’ve ruined everything, but I still love you.” Then she walked away.
That night, as before, Lance couldn’t sleep. One thing in particular confused him, and no matter how long he pondered the possibilities, he still couldn’t figure it out - Did his mother really not punish him because she loved him, or was it because he had hypnotized her into not punishing him?
He realized that his mother was right - The life of a hypnotist was sad. Lance vowed to burn his manual and break his watch the next morning.

Lance and His Debilitating Gummi Candy Habit

This was the first Lance story that Belinda and Hova wouldn't let me read on the air. Not surprising.

LANCE AND HIS DEBILITATING GUMMI CANDY HABIT

There once was a boy named Lance, and more than anything, Lance loved gummi candy. He loved all flavors. He loved their taste. He loved to roll them around in his mouth, to feel their texture - mushy yet difficult to chew.
For Lance, gummi candy had ceased to be just candy. It was his life. It was all he thought about, all he dreamed about.
Unfortunately, gummi candy was not cheap, especially the larger, more exotic kinds, which Lance particularly enjoyed - like King Size Mango Gummi Worms, and Black Liquorice Gummi Elephants.
So, one day, Lance found himself broke. He'd been so irresponsible that he'd lost his paper route. His sister, Mallory, would no longer lend him money. He now realized that he was faced with a very important decision.
He knew that down the street there was a man who claimed to be a businessman, but who really did something horrible: He gave little boys money in exchange for their tongues. Lance's mother entirely disapproved of this. She said very often that it was no business that she would ever support.
Lance analyzed his situation. Carefully, he weighed the pros and cons. He didn't have enough money for gummi candy, but if he sold his tongue for gummi candy money, then he wouldn't be able to taste the candy once he'd bought it. Finally, Lance decided that having gummi candy was more important than tasting it.
Behind his mother's back, he went to the man down the street and sold his tongue. Then, he rushed off to the candy store with the money he'd earned. He barged right up to the counter, pointed to a big jar of gummi stars, and he grunted. This made the storekeeper immediately suspicious. She asked Lance to open his mouth. Reluctantly, he obeyed. When the storekeeper saw that Lance's tongue was gone, she shook her head disapprovingly. She said, "Little boys who sell their tongues for money should be ashamed of themselves!" Refusing to sell him anything, she kicked Lance out of the store. Then she called his mother to tell her what he'd done.
When Lance got home, his mother was very angry. She sent him to his room, saying that she would never again allow gummi candy in the house. Lance had proven that, unlike normal children, he could not consume it in moderation. He would therefore have to go without. Lance tried to defend himself, but, without his tongue, he couldn't utter a word.
Lance's grandfather, who was visiting, was silent also. Lance assumed this implied that the old man was disgusted with his grandson. Lance was humiliated.
Later on, when Lance was alone in his room, sulking, he heard a knock on his door. He grunted and his grandfather walked in. Lance stared down at the floor. He couldn't look his grandfather in the eye. He waited for the old man to start lecturing him on how to behave. But the lecture never came. Instead, his grandfather sat down beside him. He told Lance that he too had a problem with gummi candy when he was a boy - only, of course, it wasn't called gummi candy back then.
Hearing this, Lance could scarcely contain his surprise. Then his grandfather shrugged. He said that he was old, didn't need his tongue much anymore. He felt that Lance should have it. Then he reached into his mouth and pulled out his tongue, roots and all. He handed it to Lance. Sullenly, Lance accepted. He lifted the tongue and pushed it into his mouth, guiding it into place. He wiggled it around to get the feel of it - It was much larger than his old tongue.
Then his grandfather smiled and pulled something out of his coat pocket: It was a big, grape-flavored gummi fish. Lance took the fish and bit into it, tentatively. It tasted so good that Lance started to cry. And as he continued chewing, through his tears, he saw his grandfather sadly nodding.

Lance and the Space Alien that Thirsted for Knowledge

I was also hoping to do more space alien stories, but I never got around to writing them. So, this is Lance's only experience with extraterrestrials.

LANCE AND THE SPACE ALIEN THAT THIRSTED FOR KNOWLEDGE

Once, during recess, while all the other children were playing, Lance decided to take a nap near the monkey bars. As he slept, a space alien crawled out of the woods and into his ear. The alien then implanted itself in Lance's brain.

After the school bell rang, Lance woke up and brushed himself off. He felt a little strange, fuzzy-headed. He assumed that this was because he'd been dreaming of cotton candy. But then he heard a little voice inside him. It said, "Learn, Lance! Learn everything!"

Lance found that he was unable to disobey the little voice. Helplessly, he began reading his textbooks, doing his homework, asking questions in class, paying attention. He even stopped watching his favorite TV show, "Dr. Softness, The Dentist", so that he could watch nature documentaries. All of this made Lance's teachers very happy. He was no longer a slacker, a troublemaker. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Lance had become a model student.

Lance, however, was not happy at all. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but he decided to find out...

His mother took him to a doctor who X-rayed his head. The doctor then presented the X-ray to Lance and his mother. He pointed to it and said, "Ah! Just as I thought! Lance has a space alien in his brain! They have been quite common in this area ever since the big spaceship crashed a few years ago."

Hearing this, Lance's mother became worried. But the doctor calmed her down, saying, "Don't worry. Lance is in no danger. The space aliens are here to learn - about us, our culture and history. They are very nice and courteous. More importantly, they have proven very useful as educational tools. While they learn, the child-host also learns, and studies have shown that the host retains a great deal of this knowledge even after the space alien departs."

"Space aliens are a blessing!" the doctor concluded. He even believed that many of Lance's classmates were currently housing them. As Lance left, the doctor called him a very lucky boy.

Lance's mother became very excited. She agreed with the doctor, and insisted that Lance stop complaining. He should be nicer to his new friend, make it feel appreciated, welcome.

But Lance didn't appreciate the space alien. He didn't feel lucky, he felt violated! He grew to dread the little voice inside him. Not only did it make him learn. It also made him be polite. It made him share his toys, clean his room, act pleasantly to his sister, consume birch beer in moderation. Finally, Lance decided that he could take it no longer. He realized that he hated the space alien. He wanted it to die!

But Lance couldn't find anyone to help him, until he noticed some graffiti in the Boy's Room. It read, "Space Alien Problem? Call 777-KILL!"

Fighting the little voice in his head, Lance dialed the number. Someone answered. He called himself "The Exterminator". His rates were high, but he claimed that he never met a space alien he couldn't kill. Desperate, Lance gathered all of his money and borrowed the rest from his little sister, Mallory, who charged notoriously high interest. Then Lance went to the Exterminator's house.

The Exterminator turned out to be a boy about Lance's age. He had scary eyes, ripped clothing and a wipe-on tattoo of a dagger on his arm. He ran his secret business out of the basement, which he called, "The Exterminatorium".

Silently, he led Lance downstairs and switched on the light. On the shelves were all sorts of space alien extraction and extermination devices - needlenose pliers, ice picks, a rusty, old lawn-mower blade. Lance was very impressed.

Dramatically, the Exterminator spun around. He shoved Lance against the cement wall and held him there. He said, "Lance, do you want your personality back? Your ignorance, laziness? Your will to fail?”

Lance nodded. Then the Exterminator grabbed a blowtorch off the wall and, holding it against Lance's ear, he said, "Lance, would you rather have your face all burned up than live in tyranny under the space alien that's invaded your brain?"

"Yes!" Lance said proudly. Then he shut his eyes and waited for the Exterminator to continue.

Suddenly, Lance's head jerked back. He felt the space alien hop out of his ear. It landed on the floor and gazed up lovingly as it spoke. It said, "Thank you, Lance! You've taught me what really counts, what I never could have learned from a book. You've taught me about freedom, about privacy. About remaining true to the real you!"

Just then, the Exterminator stepped forward and squashed the space alien like a bug. Laughing, he called all space aliens, suckers. "They may be smart, but their convictions make them vulnerable!"

"I see", said Lance. Then he paid the Exterminator and left. He had a big job ahead of him - He had to mess up his room, consume excessive amounts of birch beer and cotton candy. He had to annoy his sister. But most of all, he had to unlearn everything that the space alien had taught him. "Forget!" he repeated to himself as he rushed home. "Forget everything!"

Lance and the Adventures of his Restless Shadow

I wanted to make Lance's shadow a recurring character in these stories, but this is the only shadow story so far.

LANCE AND THE ADVENTURES OF HIS RESTLESS SHADOW

One summer day, after a big, delicious lunch, Lance decided to go to the grammar school playground.

Once he got there, however, he didn't feel much like playing. The monkey bars were too hot to climb on, and besides, they scared him: He had once fallen off. He liked to swing, but there was no one around to push him, and he was too tired to push himself. In fact, he was so tired that, after sliding down the sliding board and landing in the grass, he decided not to get up. He just laid there, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.

But Lance's shadow wasn't tired. Lance's shadow wanted to run around, to play some more. He felt like waking up Lance. He wanted to yell, "Come on! That's it? We just got here!" But he couldn't yell, because he was just a shadow. He couldn't do anything except what Lance did. That's what really frustrated him. Why did Lance have to be so boring? Why couldn't he be hyperactive like other children? Lance's shadow felt ripped off. He was missing out on all the fun - Here he was in a playground, with the sun shining, and he had to just lay there and do nothing! It was all Lance's fault! Lance that lazy boy! Lazy, selfish, cowardly boy!

Thinking about this, Lance's shadow squirmed with rage. He twisted and pulled and yanked. He threw a tantrum so big that the little black band connecting his feet to Lance's suddenly snapped. He fell back away from Lance, tumbled down the hill. When he stood up, he was dizzy, confused. He didn't even know what had happened. Then he saw Lance - Way over there! - and he realized he was free.

Right away, he started running about, playing. He bounced from one playground ride to another, making up for lost time. He didn't care how hot the monkey bars were, and, if he fell off, he climbed right back on.

Then he thought, "This is fun, but not fun enough!" He had to have more fun!

So he rushed up to a group of children. But when they saw him, they screamed and ran away. Lance's shadow decided that he liked this: He liked being scary. For a while, he stormed around, waving his arms, making people hide, making dogs bark. Then he started ringing doorbells, throwing rocks through people's windows. He darted in and out of traffic, blinding drivers, making them crash.

Lance's shadow wanted to do everything! Everything that Lance would never do! That wimp! He always stopped short of having fun. But not Lance's shadow - He stopped at nothing! He wanted to deface public property, trespass. He wanted to vandalize, terrorize, create disturbances, spread chaos!

And as it got later, the sun sunk lower, and Lance's shadow got bigger and bigger. He started kicking parked cars down the street like they were little tin cans. He pulled out a telephone pole and swung it around, trying to swat airplanes from the sky. It was so much fun to be big, and to be breaking things! He wanted people to live in fear of him. He wanted to be the biggest, scariest shadow ever!

Suddenly, he noticed something: People weren't running in terror anymore. He was bigger than ever, but no one seemed to notice him. Then he realized: He was fading. The sun was setting. It was getting dark.

Lance's shadow grew very serious. He dropped his telephone pole and began pacing, wondering about his fate - What happens to shadows at night? Where do they go? Are they still there even though no one can see them? Or do they die?

Scientifically, he realized that he shouldn't even exist independently from Lance. It doesn't make sense for a shadow to leave it's person. But he did, didn't he? Or was all this not really happening?

These deep thoughts made Lance's shadow feel very lonely. He walked and walked, and faded more with each step, and it grew darker and colder, until finally, Lance's shadow found himself back at the school playground. There was Lance, lazy as ever, still asleep at the bottom of the sliding board. At least with Lance, Lance's shadow was never lonely. With Lance, he never pondered over reality, existence and the impermanence of things. It was true that Lance disgusted him, but wasn't Lance also his best friend, his only friend?

Also, Lance's shadow had to admit that he was happy to see Lance. He had missed Lance. In fact, he had missed Lance so much that, seeing him now, Lance's shadow began to cry. He just couldn't help it. So, with tears streaming from him, he lay down on the grass and curled up beside Lance. That's when Lance woke up...

Lance jumped right up from the grass where he'd been sleeping. It was dark! That meant dinner, dessert, delicious old-fashioned red birch beer, and after that, his favorite TV show, "Dr. Softness, the Dentist". Excited, Lance ran home. There were so many things to look forward to!